Posted on July 28, 2015


Listening to Damien Rice old album “O” and it takes me back to the time when life was a battle; limitless and hopeful. I had to write those books, I had to earn some money, I had to look good, I wanted to sleep with him, and him and her, went down, on my knees, climbed up, this one had to be published, writer’s block, I had to get an A, running around Jakarta at night, cafe to cafe, bar to bar, friend to friend, taxi to taxi, porn, men, I had to graduate soon, thought maybe I should join my parents in Germany, thought about living in Europe, he was much older than I was but I thought it was love, Albert Camus, absurdity, Milan Kundera, James Joyce, existentialism, anxiety, OCD, depression, suicide, tried to live and get along with my father, my lovely dog, my lovely little brother, grammatical error, prose not poem, verbs confusion, language without tenses, ambiguity, I had to write that play, I had to get what I want, smoking and smoking, talk shows, column in magazines, childish but confident, thought I was going to live forever, fear of the unknown, cried, being hated, thought I was infinite.

Posted in: Journal